Day Eighty-Six: 1/23/23
It has been an absolutely pleasant day. I’m quite grateful to perform my duties, in fact, I have minimal frustrations from this shift. Perhaps it's because the bar was set low? It’s going to be a full week, so I’m trying to keep my expectations as low as I can deal to with it. Many factors brought forth an increase in positivity this week.
One factor is that I was able to bike to work today. It snowed a bit this morning and I almost fell about five times on my way to the gym. Except, the sun came out later in the morning. Melting all the frozen liquid that had fallen on to the ground. By the time it was the afternoon, additional roads were melted as well. The ride wasn’t free from spurts of frozen ground, but overall it was feasible. I’m always in a better mood when I’m able to take Gladys to work with me. I save so much time versus walking. The day doesn’t seem so bad because it is my favorite weather. I like it cold and sunny. A clear cold day is refreshing. The brisk Colorado air is key to soothe any past annoyances and discouragements. No need for additional precipitation.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still depressed. I dealt with a lot over the past year and the remnants of the pain and trauma are still lingering within my psyche. Except, I continue to pull myself up. I might be relying on The Teal Fairy to do most of the heavy lifting, but they don’t mind. They’re fiction and a character I’ve developed. A dissociation that’s manifested inside the Denver School of the Arts. The moment that I finish applying the last bit of makeup to resemble the teal colored creature, I feel strong. Invigorated to deal with whatever comes my way. Well, unless it infringes on my basic human rights, then Craig has to deal with the situation. Otherwise I prefer to be The Teal Fairy that seems to flutter around the school as if part of the edifice. Part of the structure that stands against all measures of weather conditions. I exist only within these walls.
Day Eighty-Seven: 1/24/23
I started the day feeling inadequate, mediocre, and lacking the fortitude to be successful. I’m ending the day feeling content. All in thanks to the community at the school. I had the sheer opportunity to gain a different perspective to my own feelings. Schools are their own societies and microcosms. There is love and hate all around. Today I received a lot of love.
The highlight of my day was when the dance instructor told me I’m emitting positivity. From all across the hallway he stated that I’m glowing. How ironic that inside I was feeling a bit low, but from the outside the teal attire shines like a beacon.
There’s a reason I allow The Teal Fairy to show up for myself. Craig has been rejected and dejected by society and my dreams have been crushed over the last year. When this job became a reality, I knew that The Teal Fairy was the one to clock in. Craig receives the paycheck. The faye creature inside my psyche gleams from the outside.
As my heart has been crushed and ground by my losses I’ve relied more and more on the greenish-blue persona that has developed into a full fledged character. I don’t use a voice to speak, but the outside appearance is no longer Craig. When I look into the mirrors that I’m cleaning each night, I don’t see the man that has been wrecked by tragedy and trauma. I see the confident and self-assured nonbinary fairy that is always fearless. Always knowledgeable, and always willing to try a daring fashion statement.
Day Eighty-Eight:1/25/2023
I’m quite grateful to hear that there were discussions with the 8th graders on how they can improve their experience within the school. These kids have so many more opportunities than I could’ve ever imagined. How fortunate they are, but I’ve been frustrated by their lack of awareness. A major subject that was brought up is how unclean parts of the school are. Of course, I, The Teal Fairy, was also a subject. Specifically, on how I question their understanding on how trash cans work. Why do they leave such unnecessary messes?
I’m not saying that I’m unwilling to pick up, or clean the school. This is the job I chose, but I don’t choose to be the personal maid to privileged brats. I may have to clean the doormats in my hallway run, but I’m not a doormat.
Whatever is being discussed, something is working. The classrooms and hallways have been cleaner. There seems to be a significant change in a short amount of time. I was able to get through all of my vacuuming with minimal anger. How fascinating it was to walk into a room and not be utterly disgusted by the mess left by absent minded delinquents.
Day Eighty-Nine: 1/26/2023
I’m feeling hopeful that this week will end on a positive note. I’ve had so many shitty weeks that I’ve been living with a pessimistically optimistic attitude. I believe that it will go well, but I'm realistic that it could crash and burn like a massive factory explosion. It's a coin toss you see. Oh by the way...
FINALLY!
Finally, my boss has given approval on the state of my bathrooms. I feel like the entire year I haven’t been meeting the expectations set upon me. I don’t necessarily care about this job, but I still don’t want to do a bad job. When I believe that I’m meeting expectations I feel content. When I’m told that my skills are subpar, I take it very personally.
So, for the last few weeks I’ve been actively trying to clean much more thoroughly than before. I’ve been told over and over again that the bathrooms need more attention than any other space. Well, I finally got the approval I’ve been waiting for.
I was given a slap on the back that I absolutely needed. I was so utterly jealous of the kids tonight. Again, I need to stop being so absolutely envious of them, but when I see youngsters auditioning for the dance program or hearing the shouts of enthusiasm for the theater performers. The teal and pink that I was wearing tonight shields the grotesque green permeating within my soul.
Day Ninety: 1/27/2023
What a wonderfully whimsical way to wind-down the week. I took my old work shoes that were just plain and black. I painted them bluish-teal and blinged them up a bit. Over the weekend I spent about fifteen hours bedazzling shoes that have more miles than some used cars. They’ve been given a new life. Well, I wore them today. I felt like a shining beacon. Though it has been a good week, I can still feel the grief, the depression from all that I lost last year still swinging like a pendulum. One day I'm fine, the next not so much. It didn’t help that I had a nightmare last night, I was working in advertising again. It was horrible. I felt so low this morning that I cried on the way to the gym. Emotions are so complicated.
I started the morning feeling like a total loser, but I’m ending my night a legend. At least that’s what a student told me today. I don’t always take the time to speak to the students, mostly, so I don’t put myself in trouble. I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing and then there's a lawsuit. Yeah, that happens frequently. Well, I didn’t realize that basically ALL of the students are following my social media accounts, some are even reading this blog. I’m so utterly flattered. So grateful.
I’m ending this week content. I’m working on my writings. I’m spending my time at work listening to audiobooks and podcasts. I’m absorbing and creating as much as I can with as much time that I have. I may be a custodian, but at least I can be a legend in the eyes of the next generation. I’ll take that with humility and gratitude.
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