Day One Hundred & Seventy-five: 6/12/2023
Well, I made it to work. I don’t think there was a chance that I was going to miss it, but I’m praising myself for the little wins. I had a rough weekend, emotionally, so I had very low expectations for this Monday. Getting myself up each day to perform as a trained custodian takes more energy than I previously expected. The alarms go off and I constantly set snoozes and additional timers to allow me as much time in bed as possible. I never wake up thinking, “can’t wait to get to work!” I understand I’m not the only person in this very large world that feels this way. The only real reason I have animosity for it is because I’m actively pursuing my dreams and each day that I’m not living my dream is another day in a nightmare.
Okay, that’s far reaching, but the metaphor still sticks. I’m waiting to hear back from the literary agents and I’ve started to work on the other writing projects. Just trying to find something that will stick with readers. I haven’t had much luck with my Magick Caste series, but it will catch on one day. At some point in time I know that Tristan Graydin will be a thing. Will I be an old man by then?
Granted I’m already starting to feel like an old man.
Day One Hundred & Seventy-six: 6/13/2023
Last night I spent my evening trying to write, not much came out, but I discovered that I really miss doing The Teal Fairy makeup. I think that’s something I’m missing right now. I’m accentuating a little bit of my natural beauty, but I prefer to fully glam out my eyes. When I transform into The Teal Fairy I feel a little bit less lost. I feel connected to the duties that I need to perform when I don’t see Craig.
Except, I’m not willing to wake up super early to put on makeup that I’ll just sweat off on my way to work. I can’t afford to use up my product unnecessarily. Also, I’m not sure I have the energy to even do it for the few social media followers that I have. Not being The Teal Fairy is making me a little depressed.
Day One Hundred & Seventy-seven: 6/14/2023
I barely made it to work on time today. I spent a little too much time in the shower. I stood under the flowing water as I recollected my current life choices. Yeah, it’s something I do almost weekly. Usually, I have my existential crisis on Tuesdays. A friend recommended that I start referring to Wednesdays as Wiggin’ Wednesdays.
At some point I think I’ll have some sort of resolution to my predicament. These feelings have been wrecking my sense of self and I’m needing to find a way to be content. I’m just curious if this is how other people feel. I know that I’m not exempt from these feelings, but I’m not used to feeling so disenfranchised from life. I’ve had major ups and downs, but never have I felt the way I’ve been feeling.
Since I finished my book, The Teal Fairy Fables, I’ve been experiencing waves of emotions every week. Mostly, that I’m just a loser trying to pretend to be a writer. I’m not feeling hopeless, but there’s been more feelings that I don’t have the spark to make it. Am I living some sort of delusion?
Day One Hundred & Seventy-eight: 6/15/2023
It takes me thirteen minutes to get to and from work. Thirteen minutes on the bike, Gladys, and that’s all. Rain, snow, or sunshine…it only takes thirteen minutes. In those thirteen minutes I have to propel myself to work, it feels as if it takes hours, but it is only seven hundred and eighty seconds. In those seconds I contemplate my entire existence and how it is that I became a custodian. I think about my past dreams, everything I lost last year, and where I want to eventually end up. All in thirteen minutes.
This week has really felt like it has been dragging on. Perhaps, it's because I can’t stop thinking about my query submissions. Each day that I have to wake up and anticipate the decision of whether they want to see my work or not, has fully occupied my thoughts. I haven’t wanted something this badly since I applied to St. Edward’s University. You know the experience of applying to college. It’s a waiting game to find out the future of your dreams.
Right now, I’m waiting to find out if I’m going to be a custodian for who knows how much longer. I’m working to be a serious writer, a novelist renowned for work that will eventually be translated into multiple languages. I’m trying desperately not to become one of the many failed writers of this century.
At least when I get off work I’ll be home in thirteen minutes.
Day One Hundred & Seventy-nine: 6/16/2023
I made it through the week, without what do the kids call it…angry quitting? I can’t remember the actual phrase, but guess what, I’m still employed even though this week really did feel like it dragged on.
I’ve been trying to distract myself with audiobooks. Recently, I finished a most fabulous biography of Elizabeth Taylor. I was already so familiar with her work and her celebrity, but this author really took an extensive viewpoint to her exuberant life. They included snippets from interviews and a huge litany of information about the larger than life person. It was magnificent. Since I finished Elizabeth, I’ve been listening to Geena Davis’s memoir. Also, quite enjoyable.
Though I'm trying to distract myself with literature in the ear I’m still distracted by my own worries and frustrations. My life makes me sad and I’m trying so hard to improve my circumstances. I lose myself in my art, but when I’m too tired from my job, I can’t fall into it. I still haven’t figured out how to grow my social media with my authentic self. I know things will improve, but I don’t know when.
Okay, okay…something fun is that I rocked my newly customized overalls today. The old pair is literally falling apart. I kept trying to stitch up the rips, but at some point there is no saving the fragile fabric that has been frazzled by friction. Literally, as I was putting on my shoes I heard and felt more ripping occur between my legs riding up my buttocks. So, I shimmied out of the old and into the new. The color is more turquoise, but still within the bluish-green hue.
Comments